An apoplectic Trevor Noah came away from Tuesday night’s presidential debate between President Donald Trump and Democratic nominee Joe Biden with just one question: “What was that?”
“If you missed the debate, I’m going to give you a quick recap of what happened,” the Daily Show host said immediately following the sparring match. He then began screaming. “It was very informative,” Noah subsequently joked.
Rather than attempting to unpack the limited substance of the evening, Noah took issue with the rules of the debate itself as well as moderator Chris Wallace. “Thank you for your service, and I hope that you have a lot of money for your therapy. You made a valiant effort. But you were not ready for this,” Noah said of the Fox News anchor. “Because no human being could be ready for this. They don’t need a moderator for this thing; they need a UFC ref. Dana White, get on it. Trump would not shut up. Right now, he’s still in his bedroom complaining about how Crooked Hillary rigged the election that he won.”
Going forward, Noah pleaded that future moderators, “need to figure out how to handle Trump” during the debates. “Because this is not good for the nation. It doesn’t work to just say, ‘Mr. President, please. Mr. President, please. Please. Mr. President, please,’” Noah said about Wallace’s many failed attempts to have Trump adhere to the debate’s rules. “Have you ever asked a toddler ‘please’? ‘Please, put down the matches, please.’ Your house would be burned down around you.”
“I’m telling you, man, they need to switch things up. They need to figure something out,” he continued. “Do anything! Give the next moderator a spray bottle just to spritz them anytime they interrupt. I promise you Trump will be quiet, because his hair turns into a gremlin if it gets wet. Even better, give Trump $100 for every time he lets Biden finish a sentence. Money is a great incentive for him, and now that we’ve seen the tax returns, we know he needs it.”
Noah also made the case that debates should have fact-checkers, something Wallace, as moderator, previously suggested was not his job.
“Otherwise, people can just stand on the stage and say whatever they want and there are no consequences. Zero, nada, zilch,” Noah said. “Every time a candidate says a lie, there should be some sort of sign that they lied. Like maybe a brick should come down on their side of the screen, you know, like Tetris. As they lie, it will just gradually build up higher and higher until it just covers their face. The best part for Trump is that five minutes into the debate, he’ll finally have his wall.”
Furthering the point, Noah added, “There are so many places where there is no truth: Twitter, Facebook, partisan news networks. These debates, at the very least, should be a place where people can tune in and expect some kind of fact check. You can’t just have both candidates making things up. Is Biden telling the truth? I think so. Is Trump? That’s definitely a lie, but no one is saying anything. You can’t have them decide when it’s a lie. It’s like the NBA Finals, and then all of a sudden they’re like, oh, yeah, you can call your own fouls. No, that’s chaos! You need an actual ref on the court, people.”
In keeping with his theme of sports competition, Noah also suggested Trump and Biden might as well just wrestle next time. “Because the reality is, everyone’s made up their mind. Right? There’s no such thing as an ‘undecided voter;’ it’s just people too embarrassed to say how they’ll vote,” he said. “So let’s entertain America, at least, with two old men wrestling. And the winner gets a free hip replacement.”
As for how the candidates performed on Tuesday night, Noah said he was left without a true takeaway.
“I don’t know how Biden did, because Trump did more interrupting than Kanye West in a room full of Taylor Swifts,” he joked. “It sounded less like a debate and more like the radio was stuck catching two stations.”
“And as for Trump’s performance,” he added, “two things: One, now we finally know what it would be like if he read his Twitter feed out loud. And, two, I can’t believe how hard his brain malfunctioned when they asked him to denounce white supremacists.”
Parroting Trump’s refusal to condemn the Proud Boys—the president told the group to “stand back and stand by”—Noah concluded, “After the first debate, I don’t know if anybody won. All I know is, for the next debate, I’m going to stand back from the TV and stand by a bottle of wine.”
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September 30, 2020 at 09:31PM
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Trevor Noah Unloads on Trump-Biden Debate: “What Was That?” - Vanity Fair
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